When I graduated from high school, I had a mental list of how my next 15 years would go. I would go to college (far from home), I would meet a wonderful man. We would marry when I was about 25 and have 3 or 4 kids by the time I was 32. I wasn't totally naive, I knew there were tons of things that were out of my control for this plan I had, but this is what I pictured to be the ideal situation. The only thing that ended up kind of fitting my plan was that I did go away to college, but even that didn't go exactly as I had planned.
After a year and a half in California- one semesters attempt at college and a cosmotology degree later I found my self packing and moving to Southwest Florida. Life kind of went in fast forward from there. It still baffles me that I only lived in California for a year and a half- that year and a half felt so long and my first 4 years in Florida just flew by. I got settled in my career, met my wonderful man, Surprise! got pregnant after a year together with twin boys and 2 years later married my wonderful man- the amazing father of our two boys. Those 3 are my everything. Having sons, I do not have one day that is not filled with laughter- there is just nothing like a boys love for his mother. Oh, and my post body pregnancy secret? Chase after two boys all day long, throw them in the air a lot, and laugh with them all day till your abs feel like they are going to rip. I cannot believe they are 2 years old already.
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Planning felt like it was out of my hands for those four years. I didn't plan on meeting this man, or falling in love with him for that matter. And I most certainly did not plan on getting pregnant before we got married... let alone with twins! I wouldn't change a thing that happened those four years. And the fact that I lost control of what was happening in my life and survived and was happy.... it was all to prepare me for later surprises I would encounter in life. I was now only 23 years old and about 7 years ahead of my original plan.
After the wedding and all the planning for that was over, I took on my next thing- to plan a pregnancy. We started trying... which we knew would not take long, we were both young and already knew we were fertile- after all we did have twins on birth control. We got pregnant first try. I prayed and prayed that it would be just one baby and be my little girl. The first ultrasound ruled it was just one baby this time. I was too impatient to wait for the next ultrasound with the doctor to find out what the sex was, ( I was anxious to start preparing) so after begging and pleading with my husband, we did a 4D ultrasound at 14 1/2 weeks. It was a girl! I am not the screaming kind, but I screamed and would have jumped out of the ultrasound chair if the technicians hand had not been on my belly.
"Today was one of the longest, most painful days I have ever experienced. The doctors found that you have some pretty serious complications. I am trying my hardest to keep remembering that God is in control and that his purpose is greater than mine. I am in so much pain for you and scared of everything our family is about to go through. Your little heart did not form correctly. You are growing, your heart beat is healthy, but your heart is not right. They also found that your feet are turned in. If that is all that is wrong, both problems are most likely fixable after birth with some major surgeries. I will be praying everyday that that is the extent of the situation.But Baby, there could be a lot more wrong with you. This is what scares me the most and what I really need God's help with being strong. If you do make it, I pray that you learn to love God and trust Him in everything. Although I don't like what is going on, God knows and has a plan for you and our family that is greater then I know. On a more positive note, we did get to see you a lot today in all the ultrasounds and you look adorable! No matter what happens your father and I love you and you will be the most beautiful girl."
Surprise! The next weeks ultrasound at the doctors showed us that this was not a normal pregnancy.
That day of nearly 7 hours of seeing doctors is still a blurr to me. Each doctor, each ultrasound the news kept getting worse and worse. They feared a chromosome disorder and recommended an amnio. My husband I both knew we would never terminate a pregnancy no matter what the results of the test, but I wanted to know so I could plan and prepare for whatever it was we were looking at. Two long weeks of waiting and the test results finally came back.
" My beautiful baby, you've been diagnosed with Down syndrome. A part of me was relieved that its not something worse and that I finally had an answer, but the other part of me was crushed that you're not perfect. But I am wrong. You are perfect. You are more then just perfect, you are a blessing and exactly the way God planned for you to be. I had an idea of what you were going to be like and how our family would look, and though its not going to be the way I dreamed, I know that God's plan is better then mine so you will be more amazing than I had imagined. I'm still scared for you and your little heart. Thank you for moving around today, it brought me the most comfort. I love you with all my heart."
I cried and cried after I got that phone call telling me the test results. I cried for my baby, I cried for my family and I cried for myself. I cried until there was no tears left and as quickly as the pain came, it left. I felt a calm I cannot describe and a peace settle in that told me we can handle this. This was why I wanted to do the amnio- I wanted this pain to come before I held my baby in my arms. I knew it would pass, and I did not want to feel it when I was holding my little girl. I'm sure I will cry when she is born, but I am hoping those tears will be mostly tears of joy and not tears of fear. I stayed up late into the night reading Down syndrome web sites and blogs Kelle Hampton- her blog called Enjoying the Small Things and her account of when her beautiful baby girl, Nella, was born with Down syndrome brought me so much comfort. Here was a woman- a family, who was able to embrace this difficult situation and still see the world as beautiful. Her blog was my motivation to start my own, though mine will never compare with her beautiful words and photography. I still go there almost daily for a smile or to cry (something my husband will never understand, that sometimes you just have to cry it all out to feel better). By day two, I truly felt that with God's help, I could handle anything and everything to come. Although I have had many breakdowns since then, simple things such as feeling her move inside me or a quick visit to Kelles blog bring me back to my calm, peaceful place.
I craved that normal pregnancy so badly. I had no one who related with me when I was pregnant with my boys... everyone was having one little baby. That pregnancy felt so out of my hands. I didn't plan it- God did, I didn't know what to expect. But while everyone around me was doting over their little bundle, holding and bonding with their baby... I was in full responsibility mood, soothing one baby just in time for the other to start crying, hauling around two car seats, holding a baby in each arm. It was different, not bad- not impossible, but just different. I love my boys with all my heart and having twins was an incredible blessing that few get to experience. But I was ready for something that almost everyone experiences... I was ready to be able to relate to everyone around me. That's not what God had in store for me. For some reason, He never wanted me to be able to relate to everyone, but only to a select few. And just like I learned that twins were a blessing, something that I was in the select few to experience, so it will be with my little girl. I not only get my twin card but now my Down syndrome card, and even more specific down syndrome with a congenital heart disorder. I will have access to a world only few get to experience, the joy and pain of having a child with Down syndrome.
I am down to my last two weeks of pregnancy. A c-section is scheduled at a special hospital for August 16th, that is the latest I will have my baby. I am praying for no more "car trouble" surprises and only "clean house" surprises.
professional wedding photos by: Ashley Allbee
professional maternity shots, white dress by: Kelle Hampton
professional maternity shots, yellow dress by: Ashley Allbee
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